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Subject:
True Canadian hero
Nanheyangrouchuan
6/6/2007 1:03:55 AM
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« Taihu Big River Crab | Home
Wednesday, June 6th, 2007 at 12:01 am RSS Feed
A day in the life of Dashan
By ChouChou
It is a crisp May morning and the bright Canadian sunlight streams in through Dashan?s bedroom window. As the Chairman Mao alarm clock strikes seven o?clock, the words to The East is Red blare out, and still retain the same impeccable tones that Dashan uttered on the day he recorded that song.
Dashan awakes and surveys his bedroom. Photographs of himself shaking hands with vice-presidents of various Chinese enterprises adorn the walls in between posters of the times he has dyed his hair blonde and played Matteo Ricci, Edgar Snow, Nazis in Tibet, and other great figures on CCTV. Without a moment?s hesitation, he leaps out of of bed and faces the mirror for his morning exercises.
?Ma, maaaa, maa, MA!? In pitch perfect Chinese, he repeats the four tones (the fifth neutral tone being beneath his contempt) again and again, safe in the knowledge that he hasn?t said a single one wrong. Then he takes one last look in the mirror, tells himself in Mandarin that he is the greatest, slips himself a wink, and heads off to the bathroom to brush his teeth with Darkie toothpaste.
Fifteen minutes later and Dashan, looking spendid in his authentic Republican-era gown, is in the dining room with a surly looking Dashan Junior. Breakfast conversations are always awkward affairs in the Rowswell household, and today is no exception. Dashan Junior tries his best to concentrate on his Captain Crunch cereal and ignore his father?s embarrasing attempts at small-talk.
?So?? begins Dashan, ?You got English class at school today??
Dashan Junior grunts in the affirmative.
?Well if you have, don?t forget your Dad?s trusty old Little Star Electronic Dictionary! Just the thing to push those grades up-up!? Dashan exclaims with a sunny grin.
Silently putting down his spoon, Dashan Junior gets up, makes his way across the table, and looks his dad firmly in the eye. Then, without a moment?s hesitation, he spits in his father?s eye and slaps him harshly across the face.
?I?ve told you a million times already - never talk to me ever again. Understand?? And with that, Dashan Junior grabs his bag and heads out the door.
Alone, a single droplet of his son?s green mucus dribbling down his still sore cheek, Dashan sighs and ponders what he will do with his life today. The piles of unsold Little Star electronic dictionaries stacked around the kitchen remind him that fame hasn?t brought total success to Toronto?s finest. Although he lives comfortably enough from the money earned from the few TV shows he occasionally travels to China for, the rest of his life is a dull and empty void. China proved impossible to live in after hitting the bigtime (he shudders while remembering a particular incident involving a Shenyang shopping centre, 50,000 socially inept university students, and the never-ending cry of ?Can you use chopsticks yet??), but Canada has not proven to be ideal either. So far, Mark?s fellow Canadians have been unappreciative of his efforts in learning standard Mandarin and representing the world?s largest Communist Party, and the empty months in between CCTV gigs have become drawn-out and mundane.
Yet Mark Rowswell never became the mighty Dashan with that kind of attitude. With a new determined strength of spirit, he stands up and heads out onto the sophisticated streets of Toronto in order to prove himself. Perhaps, he wonders, I might even be able to siphon some money off the Canadian government that was originally intended to be used in order to prevent Quebecois separatist movements. Again.
Dashan chooses not to head down to the Chinatown on Spadina Street. He realised long ago that the Happy Canada Lucky Dragon Restaurant was not interested in a white-skinned Chinese-speaking hospitality manager. While he ponders where to go, he stops at a cigarette kiosk and asks for a packet of Zhongnanhai.
?Never heard of them, we only sell Marlboros and Camels,? says the gruff guy behind the counter.
?Oh, yes, I forgot that they only sell them in China,? smiles Dashan. Then, rather desperately, he adds ?That?s where I live you know! I?m a big star there!?
?That must be very nice for you,? sighs the cigarette seller.
?Anyway, must be going, zaijian! Ooops, I must have been in China for too long, I mean goodbye!? Dashan grins and skips away.
?Who was that?? asks another customer.
?It?s that ing Mark Rowswell again,? spits the cigarette seller, ?He?s been saying the same thing every day for the last three years.?
Pleased at his display at the cigarette kiosk, Dashan decides to follow his success at the food court in the basement of the Eaton Shopping Centre on Yonge Street. On his way, he spots a couple of Oriental appearance walking past, and nearly collapses in excitement when he sees the lady catching his eye and approaching him. Unfortunately, they only want to know the way to the CN Tower, and not ask for his autograph. Undeterred, Dashan heads on.
A fairly large crowd is gathered outside the Singapore Sam?s stall in the Eaton Centre Food Court. Using the skills he learned in Beijing, Dashan slips into the crowd and pushes his way to the way to the front. He spots a young teenager about to order beef noodles, and stops her before she can do so.
?Hey there!? shouts Dashan amiably to the bemused teenager, who looks like she is about to shout for the police. ?I see you?re about to order the beef noodles! In China, they are known as niu rou mian, or rather: cow meat noodles. However, in China, the main meat is pork, although chick??
?Please go away and don?t hurt me,? cries the girl, ?You can take my money but just go!?
??China has a history of 5000 years, and the language reflects that. Ru xiang sui su is a saying meaning when in Rome??
?Please? please, leave me alone.?
?Hangzhou meanwhile is known for it?s beautiful West Lake, and Suzhou for it?s many??
?THAT?S ENOUGH ROWSWELL! NOW GET OUT!?
The burly manager of Singapore Sam?s has finally spotted the disturbance Dashan has been causing, and emerges from behind the counter with a substantially large meat cleaver. As Dashan runs away, the manager picks up a pile of leaflets left behind, and throws them at Dashan?s head.
?AND TAKE YOUR ELECTRONIC DICTIONARY LEAFLETS WITH YOU!?
It has been an exhausting day. After the trials and tribulations of the cruel Canadian day, Dashan has returned to the comfort of his propaganda decorated bedroom, and weeps beneath his embroidered cushions of Tiananmen Square. Only here, beneath the cheap certificates proclaiming him to be one of the ?Ten Most Friendliest Foreigners in Beijing Haidian District: 1991″, does he feel any of the respect so rightfully deserved to him. Don?t these people understand how well he speaks Mandarin? He didn?t run all the way to China and became a star so that he could be treated the same way as the bigger boys used to treat him at school! The ing laowai bastards!
Dashan considers watching his favourite film Red Dawn again on DVD to cheer himself up, but is interrupted by the welcome sound of Mrs. Dashan returning home. At last: a friendly face. The Dashans darken the lights, slip off their clothes, and play a little romantic music. However, something is wrong?
Dashan whimpers disappointingly. ?It?s no good honey, I just can?t??
?What?s wrong cutie?? Asks Mrs Dashan in a sweet voice. ?Do you need me to get out the hand pump and the CO2 cartridges again??
Dashan shakes his head. ?No. I need more than that. You know what I need.?
?NO! You promised me that last time would be the last time! It?s not normal Mark!?
?PLEASE baby, do it for me,? pleads Dashan.
With a sigh of defeat, Mrs Dashan grunts in agreement and reaches down to the special box kept beneath the Rowswell family bed. Five minutes later, Dashan - dressed in a monkey costume with a hole cut away around the ringpiece - is being ed up the arse by Mrs Dashan with a seven inch strap-on dildo and a rubber mask of Hu Jintao. Nearby, Dashan?s personal recording of The East is Red blares out again from the Chairman Mao alarm clock.
Mark has never been so happy.
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31 Responses to ?A day in the life of Dashan?
1
Alex says:
June 6th, 2007 at 12:36 am
Add karma Subtract karma -8
First?
Eez No Pornotache! 2
Mark B says:
June 6th, 2007 at 12:54 am
Add karma Subtract karma -7
Last?
3
Cabbage says:
June 6th, 2007 at 2:06 am
Add karma Subtract karma -9
Turd!
4
LangLang says:
June 6th, 2007 at 6:08 am
Add karma Subtract karma +4
Brutal! Prepare yourself for the onslaught of ?You?re just jealous!? remarks.
Get off my fkn Avatar! 5
PiPi says:
June 6th, 2007 at 6:52 am
Add karma Subtract karma +0
Karma down for comments 1,2 and 3.
ChouChou - Classic. If us Sinocidal guys do not get together and make a paravideo of that then your talents are wasted. I think we?d have all the roles covered as well as the locations and costumes - but where the hell will we find a 7 inch strap on dildo?
Can Anyone out there help us?
PS - I bags the role of cigarette kiosk man. I?m not sure who we could use for the Dashan role.
6
Lang Lang says:
June 6th, 2007 at 7:58 am
Add karma Subtract karma +2
PiPi: Karma down for #4? What?s up with that?
7
Lang Lang says:
June 6th, 2007 at 8:01 am
Add karma Subtract karma +1
OOOPS! ! SORRY PIPI! I haven?t had my Red Bull yet. I just karma-ed myself down for #6. What a way to start the day :-(
I am Uber Laowai! 8
LaoLao says:
June 6th, 2007 at 8:12 am
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@ChouChou - Man, I am sure glad that Dashan meets all the legal requirements for fair satire?. So did you get expelled from his fan club yet?
@LangLang - I +1 uor comment #4, but it was already zero?.
@PiPi- I?m thinking one of the Sinotribe has a spare dildo?. But 7 inches might be an issue.
I am Uber Laowai! 9
LaoLao says:
June 6th, 2007 at 8:20 am
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?Please go away and don?t hurt me,? cries the girl, ?You can take my money but just go!?
??China has a history of 5000 years, and the language reflects that. Ru xiang sui su is a saying meaning when in Rome??
?Please? please, leave me alone.?
ROFLMAO
10
BeijingCow_Yah says:
June 6th, 2007 at 8:37 am
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Does Xiaoshan speak English?
11
BeijingCow_Yah says:
June 6th, 2007 at 8:42 am
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Hey! Where did my avatar go? It wasn?t dirty. How do I get it back?
China invented avatars 5,000 yrs ago! 12
Hunxuer says:
June 6th, 2007 at 9:32 am
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But wouldn?t he brush in the morning with Zhong Hua rather than (formerly) Darkie.
Junior?s on the Capt. Crunch and the hero of the story is slurping his congee (invented 5.5 thousand yrs ago).
And as for his impeccable Putonghua being useless in Canada?well you DO know that Cantonese is the language of choice there ;^)
13
KAT says:
June 6th, 2007 at 9:36 am
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@ChouChou - I?m impressed. I think you managed to cover everything in this post: Pathos, conflict, family, angst, drama, furries, role-playing, bondage, homosexuality and sex toys.
Well Done!
14
KAT says:
June 6th, 2007 at 9:39 am
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@LaoLao - Any one of the girls at one of the ?Happy Ending? massage parlors you frequent can probably steer you towards the nearest sex toy shop for a ?personal? vibrator. :)
Hello, cruel world. 15
TaiTai says:
June 6th, 2007 at 9:39 am
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BCY - looks like you?re not logged in (see last but one box in the right sidebar.)
ChouChou does it again - masterfully written my friend.
Can you smell the love? 16
Heiney says:
June 6th, 2007 at 9:40 am
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I?m Curious, is THIS Mrs. Dashan?
From China Daily
link
?Chen Yan, a 51-year-old woman, waves to crowds while impersonating China?s late Chairman Mao Zedong??
Can you smell the love? 17
Heiney says:
June 6th, 2007 at 9:55 am
Add karma Subtract karma +0
Sino-mods,
Hmm? My posts aren?t showing up. I?ve never had that problem before. When/if they do, there may be three duplicate posts. Please delete the duplicates.
Sorry.
Hello, cruel world. 18
TaiTai says:
June 6th, 2007 at 10:08 am
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Heiney, they had been caught in our spam filter, happens sometimes with comments containing links. Still better to have that happen occasionally than getting 300 spam comments show up per post!
Hello, cruel world. 19
TaiTai says:
June 6th, 2007 at 10:15 am
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And what is it with that story? I must have read that headline about 50 times in the last week. Is it that big a deal? Does she even look like that much like old Mowzy?
Can you smell the love? 20
Heiney says:
June 6th, 2007 at 10:17 am
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Thanks TaiTai!
Can you smell the love? 21
Heiney says:
June 6th, 2007 at 10:25 am
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@TaiTai - Actually I recall seeing it a couple of months ago. If you look closely at the photo, you can even see the mole on her chin. She does have to wear special shoes to make her taller, though.
With that said, I think she looks a little like the old butcher. No doubt the Big Mountain would enjoy having her ram hot, hulking Harbin sausage of love up his arse.
China invented avatars 5,000 yrs ago! 22
Hunxuer says:
June 6th, 2007 at 10:44 am
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Well I for one still harbor fantasies of romping with little PLA dance troupe girls in full regalia BUT I draw the line at ?female? Meeow impersonators?
Hello, cruel world. 23
TaiTai says:
June 6th, 2007 at 10:51 am
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[disclaimer: may or may not be PLA but wtf?]
24
ChouChou says:
June 6th, 2007 at 10:57 am
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I was originally going to post an illustrated day in the life of myself, but I had difficulty uploading the Hieronymus Bosch pictures.
25
KAT says:
June 6th, 2007 at 10:59 am
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@Hunxuer - Persoally, I?d rather romp with the PLA men?s gymnastics team. :)
26
KAT says:
June 6th, 2007 at 10:59 am
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Damn! Forgot to proof.
Hello, cruel world. 27
TaiTai says:
June 6th, 2007 at 11:14 am
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ChouChou, make the most of these halcyon days; my Bosch seems to have been replaced by Goya.
I am Uber Laowai! 28
LaoLao says:
June 6th, 2007 at 11:20 am
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Sinocidal Available Everywhere Since 2006
China - Blocked 2006.
Canada - Blocked 2007. Thanks ChouChou. 8)
America - Waiting to see who we endorse for President.
U.K. - Depends on Brown.
Australia - Who cares.
Sweeeeet! 29
Got Rice says:
June 6th, 2007 at 12:02 pm
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@ChouChou - Great post. Lets see if John from SinoSplice has any input on it. :D
China invented avatars 5,000 yrs ago! 30
Hunxuer says:
June 6th, 2007 at 12:12 pm
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@TaiTai: You GO girls!! Definitely PLA?(now I know where all the defense spending is going in addition to Mercs and BMWs)
@Kat: You GO girl?nothing like a 5′1″ muscle bound guy that can hang on rings all day (think Vince Vaughn in ?Old School?) to pleasure the ladies?
31
KAT says:
June 6th, 2007 at 12:21 pm
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@Hunxuer - Contrary to Randy Newman?s immortal lyrics, Short People DO have at least one good reason to live. ;)
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