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Subject: A Year Into A Kerry Presidency (scary thought-huh?)
Jay    5/8/2004 4:56:25 PM
(Jay's note: I normally only post on one board, except when Kerry-ites push something down with spam posts 'cause they don't like it. Besides, it's cool!:) PRESIDENT KERRY SKILLFULLY NEGOTIATES DOWN OIL PRICES DATELINE 2007 (SOMEWHERE OFFSHORE) OBSCURE PRESS- Despite being forced to move outside the territorial United States, after being rejected for licensing by Vice-President Clinton's National Press Regulatory Service, whose motto is "the people never get confused if they get the same story from every source" the Obscure Press continues to attempt to bring you some remote semblance of truth. Which we figure puts us one up on most of the newtworks even before the election. OP recently managed to obtain the following tape of OPEC Oberststurmbahnfuhrer Mohammed Hasneez Hachoo Aziz being called by President Kerry to discuss oil prices. The tape was obtained by bribing a clerk in the Yemeni government with more wealth than he had ever seen before in his life, in this case a bag of snickerdoodles from that really good cookie store at the mall and a vintage Samanthat Fox poster (hey we liked that poster too). It clearly reveals that as a man of his word, Kerry keeps his pledge to lower oil prices "through diplomacy." SECRETARY: Mr. Aziz, the American President is on the line AZIZ: Him again, tell him I’m away SECRETARY: I tried sir, he keeps calling. I was watching the caller-ID like you said but now he’s using his wife’s cell phone. AZIZ: Fine, fine, OK put him through. I suppose I have to talk to this idiot once in a while. KERRY: Hi Mohammed, it’s John. AZIZ: What KERRY: Well, umm, I think you know why I’m calling. It’s well, it’s these oil prices. Gas is up over six dollars a gallon now, even before my twenty-five percent environmental surcharge. People are really, well you know, just really having a hard time affording driving, and the congress is really giving me a hard time. I was wondering if there was any way, you know, any way we could get just a little bit of a price break, just a little one to take the pressure off, if you could think about it. AZIZ: I have told you before “John”, we only charge a fair market value for our oil, we must remain competitive. There is nothing I can do. KERRY: Awww, come on. Please? AZIZ: No KERRY: Pretty please AZIZ: Not happenin’ KERRY: Pretty, pretty, pretty please, with sugar and cherries on top? AZIZ: Homey don’t play that KERRY: Oh, OK, well I guess bye then. Sorry to bother you. AZIZ: There is one thing……. KERRY: What, what, what? AZIZ: Perhaps I could convince the ministers to do one small adjustment…..if you….. KERRY: What, what? If I what? AZIZ: Bark like a dog KERRY: Oh come on Mohammed, you know I hate that AZIZ: Do it, or no oil. Wait, wait, my secretary likes to hear it when you do this. KERRY: I really don’t appreciate this AZIZ: Start barking puppy-boy KERRY: woof, woof AZIZ: Louder! KERRY: woof, woof, woof AZIZ: Louder infidel! Louder! KERRY: WOOF, WOOF, WOOF! There, are you happy now? AZIZ: Much better Mr. President.I think I like that even better than when I make you sing the ketchup song about anticipation. KERRY: I shouldn’t have to do that. You know I was a war hero, I was in Vietnam. AZIZ: Oh by all the Prophet’s gonads. We’ve heard it already. Yes, you were in Vietnam on a swift tour.... KERRY: You mean a swift BOAT AZIZ: Oh yes Mr. President I forgot. Sorry, so anyway, you shot the dead Viet Cong to get your medal and got sent home after you stubbed your toe or something. KERRY: It was schrapnel wounds, and the VC was not dead, errrr, not quite anyway. AZIZ: Schrapnel wounds? From a tuna fish can maybe. And the "VC" as you say was too dead. KERRY: Was not AZIZ: Was too KERRY:Was not AZIZ: Say he was you infidel dog or be prepared to tell your population they're all taking bicycles to work from now on. KERRY: OK, OK he was dead, but they really were schrapnel wounds, well one was, I think anyway. AZIZ: By the way Mr. President, have you prepared the resolution for Ambassador Sharpton to introduce to the United Nations declaring Jerusalem an islamic holy site under sole muslim control. KERRY: Yep, done, just like you said. I even made sure your family gets the hot dog vendor contract. AZIZ: Good, good. And what about the same one concerning Tel Aviv KERRY: Yes, yes, done, the Israelis weren't happy but......... AZIZ: the WHAT? KERRY: the Israelis AZIZ: the WHO? KERRY: ummmm, I mean the ummmm, zionists AZIZ: there, there, much better Mr. President. And what about Florence, that's a muslim holy site too. Plus I love the little boats. KERRY: that's Venice AZIZ: what? KERRY: It's Venice with the little boats, not Florence. AZIZ: Calling me stupid, ketchup boy? KERRY: No, no, of course not, it can be Florence. AZIZ: Fine, whatever, I want both cities, get to work on it. KERRY: OK, of course Mohammed, and you'll see what you can do.....? AZIZ: Yes, yes, I will "see what I can
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